Even the most die-hard lovers eventually discover that their loved one is not “perfect” after all. For some, this represents major frustration.
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For others, this is a reason to start contemplating a way out. Here’s the thing. You can look for the perfect person your whole life, but this will only make you permanently unhappy.
Here’s why.
It’s almost the same kind of mistake as having a baby to repair a broken relationship. Many people wrongly believe their intimate relationship is supposed to heal their troubles, solve their personal problems, and bring purpose back to their lives.
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In other words, they expect their partner to fill the gaps in their life. They even marry for that reason. What a terrible mistake!
Have you ever listened to the instructions that airlines give you just before the airplane takes off? That is, to put on your own oxygen mask first before putting them on your kids.
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Why would the airline want you do that? Isn’t your duty as a parent to take care of your kids first? Actually, no. The reason is simple. Should you become faint from lack of oxygen, you won’t be much good to your kids at all! Many couples fail to see the same logic when it comes to their own relationship.
When relationship troubles start, we tend to point a finger in another direction, mainly at our spouse. “I’ve tried everything…” (I’ve tried to change him/her, but it doesn’t work.)
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We know to the last detail what they would have to do (and then, everything would be fine). We know exactly how they need to change so then we can get our relationship back on track again. The problem is, changing other people is a hard job. Changing your spouse is even harder. And it almost never works. Here’s what you can do instead.
Did you know that falling in love produces a biological state that is highly similar to being on cocaine? If you were in love, then you surely remember that special time.
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Back then it was impossible not to notice how beautiful she was. You fell in love with how smart he was, how everything she said was interesting, and you even loved the way he teased you. But, as it always does, this intense beautiful period passed. Does that mean we’re doomed after the in-love phase is over?
When my wife and I were in our deepest trouble, one of the “themes” was our relentless focus on the things that didn’t work.
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I know all too well how horrible it feels when your life mate starts to see only things they don’t like. Things you screwed up (again). Sometimes it seems they are on a mission to prove that they are right (and you are wrong).
[callout]Sometimes it feels like your spouse is deliberately overlooking the overwhelming number of things that do work. The scary part is that even the most loving couples can get hung up on negative beliefs about each other pretty easily, without even noticing.[/callout]
According to John Gottman’s research and the experience of most couples’ counselors, the behavior that predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy is stonewalling.
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My wife and I didn’t divorce, but we were THAT close. Admittedly, during that time, I was guilty of resorting to what I also call radio silence.
“Oh yeah, I forgot. You’re perfect.”
I bet you’ve used this phrase before.
Or you’ve been on the receiving end. Or both.
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It’s a classic example of sarcasm and it might seem harmless. Beware though, you’re on very thin ice here. That’s because sarcasm is psychologically rooted in anger, distrust, and frustration. It’s one of those nasty habits with damaging consequences, like smoking.
If you are frequently using sarcasm, believing this makes you sound smart or funny, think again. Your bad habit may be harming your relationship with your spouse (as well as with other people) much more than you realize.
Imagine you meet a friend from your youth whom you’ve lost touch with. It’s been years since you saw each other. Sure, it’s a nice surprise and you’re both pleased to meet.
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But it feels a bit awkward, after so much time. It’s not the same anymore. There’s little to say aside from the usual “Do you have any kids?” or “Where do you work?”
The same thing happens to so many married couples. One day, they wake up and realize that the person lying next to them is a complete stranger.
What happened?
Have you ever tried to apologize, but ended up in a much bigger fight? You wanted to say you were sorry, but then you said something that really set your partner off?
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Admitting when you’re wrong is hard. Knowing when, and especially how, to apologize earns you appreciation and respect. On the other hand, doing it wrong consistently makes you look like a jerk. It builds resentment, and soon, your partner will probably start behaving the same way. Therefore, this post is not about preventing you from messing things up, but what you can do about it afterwards.
