22 Proven Ways to Screw Up Your Marriage

Looking to get rid of that spouse of yours?

This post is about proven ways and “best practices” that will split your relationship right down the middle. These methods work flawlessly, no matter what stage—or state—your relationship is in right now.

Growing apart in marriage

As a special bonus, you’re going to learn how to become a jerk in your loved one’s eyes (or how to become a greater one).

So, without further delay, let’s tackle them one by one.

  1. Never say “Thank you.” Showing any kind of appreciation might make them suspicious.
  2. Don’t smile. If you do, make sure your spouse doesn’t see you.
  3. Hugging for no reason is stupid. Never touch your spouse unless you’re expecting sex.
  4. Never surprise your spouse. This world is full of surprises already.
  5. Never show interest in whatever your spouse loves doing. You have enough of your own problems.
  6. Don’t spend time together. If you do, make sure you’re not alone. Refrain from having fun as much as you can. Your spouse might get too excited.
  7. Expect your spouse to be a mind reader. Keep saying this to yourself: “If … truly loved me, then ….. would know how I feel and/or what I need.”
  8. Avoid saying what you want. If they love you, they should have figured it out already. Instead, keep saying what you don’t want.
  9. If your spouse is complaining, wait for a second when they take a breath, and hit back twice as hard. If you don’t know what to say, pull out an event from the past to remind them they are not perfect either.
  10. In any disagreement, go for a clear win. Someone always has to lose and that’s sure not going to be you.
  11. Leave your conflicts unresolved. Instead, punish your spouse a little. Teach them a lesson. Practice stone silence or, alternatively, limit your conversations with your spouse to the bare minimum for days.
  12. Use lots of sarcasm. It shows your intelligence.
  13. Practice rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking. Make them feel stupid, especially in front of your children and friends.
  14. Show how smart you are by using buts on anything your spouse has to say. After all, we all have different views, right?
  15. Start your sentences with You, combined with nothing, all, everything, always, and never extensively. Hopefully this will finally make them change.
  16. When talking to your spouse, avoid eye contact. A good way to do this is to start checking your emails while nodding and saying “aha,” “hmm,” “yeah, right.…”
  17. If something your spouse is saying catches your attention, cut them short and dispense your advice immediately.
  18. Never apologize. After all, you can’t be wrong. If, in a moment of temporary weakness, you do apologize (but you really shouldn’t), be short and to the point. Just say “I’m sorry,” and move on.
  19. Expect your early romantic feelings to last forever. If they do not, sit tight and wait for the loving feelings to come back, preferably while complaining about your spouse’s bad habits.
  20. If you’re having trouble, wait for your spouse to change first. After all, you’ve done nothing wrong.
  21. Don’t seek to understand your spouse’s feelings, and never talk about yours. It will only make you look vulnerable.
  22. Never support your spouse’s goals and dreams. Protect them from disappointment. Always try to think of as many reasons as possible why things won’t work.

How about sex?

Well, if you pay attention and strictly follow the advice in the list above, there will not be much of it.

Best thing?

In order to grow apart, you need to do just a couple of the things just listed. Or you can focus on doing just one thing consistently over a long period of time.

So, let us stop with sarcasm for a while.

While the things from the list above might be amusing to read, they are no fun at all to experience.

Sure, we are all guilty of doing things from the list. And that is okay. It happens. We are not robots.

The problem is that many couples do these things for many years, even decades. Such harmful behavior becomes the way they naturally behave and do things together. Slowly but surely, without even being fully aware of it, they start drifting apart. They lose the very juice of their relationship until there isn’t any left.

Some divorce. Some don’t.

The latter are still in the majority. They choose to live in apathy, while secretly hating their life mate for inflicting new wounds on them, over and over again. They feel miserable for not being accepted for who they are, loved unconditionally, respected, and understood.

What a waste of life!

Lastly, imagine your spouse describing you to their trusted friend.

Could something from this list be in their description? Often times, we are not even aware of our harmful behavior. Odds are, such behavior stems from your childhood, the way you were brought up, or strong negative experiences from the past.

There’s good news though. You can change.

Here’s how successful couples do things differently.

QUESTION: I am 100% sure I left something off the list. Will you help me complete it? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

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15 thoughts on “22 Proven Ways to Screw Up Your Marriage

  1. Here is another one.

    In time of crisis, believe your spouse when they say they are ok. Don’t force comfort or support because they already said they were fine. Just deal with your own feelings and definitely don’t share because it might be a sign of weakness.

    • Thank you Jason. When we say “I’m fine” (and we are not), it’s usually because we are afraid (of yet another) argument. Usually, one is afraid of starting a fight and so they rather say “I’m fine”. It helps to dig under the surface, but gently. Here’s one easy way to immediately lower your spouse’s defenses and start a conversation:


      It works fine for me when there’s something I have on my mind but don’t want to start a conversation on a wrong foot.

    • This is amazing and the impact your info and experience has had for me is incredible!!

      I would add to the list…

      “Never ask your spouse how they are doing?” “Never ask how was your day?”

      “Never offer to spontaneously help your spouse with a project around the house”

      “Never do the things you committed to doing” , “I will cut the grass tomorrow” and then just don’t do it

      “Never compliment your wife when at social gatherings”

      “Never stand up for or defend your wife in a disagreement with others” Never take your spouse’s side when they are in a disagreement with someone else

      • Thanks Jason! You have collected a great addition to our selection of things to do if you want to screw up your marriage:) Thanks!!! Cheers, marko

  2. 23. Check your watch throughout emotional, important conversations. If that doesn’t work, complain about how long the conversation is taking, implying that you have more important things than connecting with your partner and understanding one another.

    • Hi Erica! Your comment goes nicely together with a suggestion #16:) I think that will work without a flaw. Thanks for your contribution!

  3. Gas lighting. Leaving out pertinent information on purpose to blame you later or make you look like the crazy one.

  4. You are having a conversation with your spouse and they picks up the phone, dials a number and starts a conversation with that person and completely ignores you from that point on.

    • Hey Audine! You’re spot on! Or… you’re enjoying a nice meal. Someone calls. He/she picks up the phone and starts talking. It goes on and on…. It seems like they will never end the call. Meanwhile, the meal goes cold and your mood goes south… You’re sitting there…waiting for them to finish the call from the President. It turns out, it was a collegue from work. Nothing urgent. To be sarcastic myself, this is a great way to make your spouse feel appreciated and not being taken for granted.

    • Hi Stephanie. Thanks for commenting. You are right. It’s actually funny but when we’re criticizing we are actually hypnotizing the other person into behaving exactly the opposite of how we’d want them to.
      That’s because we usually repeat our criticism in exactly the same way over and over again. It’s repetitive nature makes it hypnotic. Here’s the article I wrote about this phenomenon most people are not even aware of: “Did You Know You’re Probably a Pretty Good Hypnotist?”

  5. Don’t allow your spouse to give any advise or opinions on parenting a child or children from a previous marriage…..as a matter of fact avoid parenting all together….just correct (parent) your spouse.

    • Thank you Rose. That’s a toxic one too. It must be that your spouse is having really bad memories on the previous marriage and all that was going on then. So they want to avoid anything that has to do with those memories. This is just my guess. That being said, you really should talk about this. Find a way to express to your spouse how their behavior makes YOU feel and ask them to help you understand what’s going on in their head. Tell them that you want to understand them and you’re asking them to help YOU. Framing the problem like this usually works.

  6. Avoid answering texts, calls, or messages on facebook messenger while always being seen answering and responding to everyone else. When your spouse points it out, deny by not responding in any way. if they continue to question or complain, show your frustration by complaining about their complaints.